Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 
Luckily, I Had My Handy Spam Decoder Ring With Me!

It's amazing! it's astounding! It's...some other impressive adjective starting with the letter 'a'! After a prolonged absence (which the P.R. branch is attributing to an inherent lack of white meat), this little bit of nowhere returns for its second appearance in a day. Primarily because there's a lot of silly, nonsensical spam sitting in my Inbox that I need to translate soon or else it'll clog everything up.

Spam can do that, you know. And according to one piece of spam, it can also knit wool sweaters and give me firmer nipples. But I'm satisfied with the current condition of my nipples, thank you very much, so let's move on.

Now while a lot of this might resemble a Dadaist play going horribly awry 9and given Dadaism, that says something), when I put this spam through my translator, a very ominous message appeared. The original document reads as such:

When plaintiff related to trembles, mirror of tripod meditates.blood clot inside, pine cone about stovepipe, and support group over are what made America great!When you see globule for scooby snack, it means that hockey player over cream puff self-flagellates. actinometer cautious exam hoff execrable capita

As far as I can tell, when camera tripods look at their reflections in court, the prosecuters will tremble. Or else get a raging case of diahrea. This can only mean one thing: the sinister Evidence Mice are once again prowling about the globe with their nefarious schemes. And their plot involves destroying the country's judicial system...or what tattered, mostly-impotent remains of it are left.

How do they plan on achieving victory? Apparently it involves a device where you manage to find a pine cone with a blood clot and stuff it into a stovepipe. The result is a globule that they're going to claim is a Scooby Snack, and sell it to children and support groups to eat. Obviously, since support groups are what makes America great, they will have to be one of the first bastions to be knocked down if the Evidence Mice are to have their way.

Yet ultimately their final target is shown here: it means that hockey player over cream puff self-flagellates. The Evidence Mice are now declaring war on Canada as well, as they mean to sell these pinecone-clotted globules, or "Scooby Snacks" to hockey players. After they've consumed these nefarious vittles, all the hockey players around the country will start thinking they're creampuffs and begin smacking themselves to see if they really are stuffed with white filling.

But the dastardly deeds of the Evidence Mice doesn't stop there, oh no. Consider a separate spam/warning I received a few days later that further explains the dark, dark details of their plot, entitled: spider tea parties inside 9.

(Now the Evidence Mice have allied with spiders and are hosting tea parties in rooms or apartments with the number 9 on them. We can't even trust the spiders any longer! Not that Mel would advocate we could trust spiders in the first place...I guess I owe her five bucks after all.)

The message reads as follows:

Any hockey player can reach an understanding with inside steam engine, but it takes a real omphalos to stalactite beyond onlooker.Furthermore, fruit cake for leaves, and hydrogen atom over tripod trade baseball cards with turn signal related to grand piano.impresario operate a small fruit stand with bonbon around light bulb.
clamp prolongate crandall bison visitation demigod fray oncology

See? Once more we are presented with hockey players, who have all been reduced to self-flagellating creampuffs. It would appear that after the creampuff stage, the world's hockey players can gain greater knowlege of steam engines and other such working components, a knowledge that goes beyond what any regular person could possess.

What does this mean? I think the answer is as perfectly obvious as the mole not on my face: the Evidence Mice are planning to use steampunk technology to take over the world, and they're going to brainwash hockey players to be their hired grunts. Kind of like Rent-A-Viking.

And not only that, this message is carefully explaining that the steampunk technology being harnessed needs only the following to achieve some form of fusion: a fruit cake, hydrogen atoms (being circled by fruitcakes), camera tripods (see how they resurface again), baseball cards. The engine itself is a modified grand piano with turn signals mounted on it. The turn signals are the surest sign this is the major engine component needed to created an endless power source that will put the world at the mercy of the Evidence Mice.

I'm not entirely sure what an Impresario running a fruit & bonbon stand has to do with anything, but this might be an alternative to the "Scooby Snack" scheme. But ultimately, we can see the final results with this line: clamp prolongate crandall bison visitation demigod fray oncology.

This will take the Evidence Mice one step closer to becoming bison demigods with degrees in oncology. I'm not sure what this means, but I'm sure it will make me very uncomfortable the next time I have to go for my medical check-up.

For now, all I can do is monitor incoming spam to see if any more hidden messages are being sent to further alert me to the conspiracies of the Evidence Mice. As always, in case the Evidence Mice should find out about me, if you should not hear from this little bit of nowhere in a few days...wait longer. I'm sure I'll escape their clutches. Or else find a computer with Net capabilities somwhere in the dungeon.

Today's Lesson: humidity is something better discussed than felt.


posted by Phillip at 3:01 PM